Just keep spinning

It's that time of year again, my birthday is close by and as a special treat to me and a big fuck you to everyone in my life, i bought myself an elliptical.  I have retreated further into myself than i could ever imagine i'd be.  I no longer leave my room unless i have to for work or school.  I no longer eat solid foods which, as a vegetarian severely limits my diet.  I have eliminated caffiene, carbohydrates, and inorganic foods.  My days are so predictable you can almost follow them like clockwork, get up before the sun, cigarette(s), do a line, use my elliptical, cigarettes(s), shower, cigarette(s), school, cigarette(s), black decaf coffee break, home, elliptical, cigarette(s), do a line, yoga, cigarette(s), feed my puppy, take him for a walk, cigarette(s), black decaf coffee break, play with my puppy, shower, cigarette(s), 15 minute nap, do a line, cigarette(s), work, cigarette(s), girlfriend time, home, elliptical, cigarette(s), shower and finally by 2 a.m. i can lay down and try to sleep.  Try is the key word.  My schedule looks so boring typed up like this, so....not who i was.  The girl i used to be.  Even the party girl i once was looks at this schedule and says, 'chick, i think you need help.'  I've dwindled below a hundred pounds. Not much but, I have.  I don't know how much i'll continue to post.  My health is horrendous right now and i am fighting with everything i have left not to be hospitalized.  I'm facing eviction and being fired because of my diseases and all I can think when I look in the mirror is i shouldn't have had that coffee today.

Ryan, remember when you told me i just wanted attention?  That there was nothing wrong with me?  I still believe you but everyone else i meet and know either wants my body, my disorders (they clearly don't have good eyesight), or avert their eyes because theres nothing they can do to help me.  Mind explaining to them i don't have a problem next time you stop by to make sure i'm still alive since i no longer answer your calls or texts.