@cryotaneko

That particular post is about a guy i used to be infatuated with.  I guess most of it can be seen as relating to my battle with anorexia but, that wasn't it's intentions.
His best friend would go behind his back and flirt with me, he tried to fuck me, and would pretend to care about what i'm going through.  I am drawn to people that i know don't give a damn about me.  Mostly because it makes it okay in my mind for me to not care about me.  It reestablishes that I am not worth genuine affection.  The guy i was infattuated with tried very hard to show me he actually cared.  That he truly loved me for me.  I of course pushed him away and would always mess with his best friend, almost to throw it in his face, showing him that i was just a dirty coke addict who didn't deserve his love.  Thank you for reading.  I hope to stay sober for a bit longer,  there's is a new female in my life who I am honestly happy with and i'm hoping she's everything i've needed all this time to hold myself together.  Unlike every past lover i've had, she's not trying to play games with me and that's all i've ever wanted.

I appreciate that readers like my writing style.  It means alot to me and encourages me to continue to write more,  I have so much to say and my brain moves so fast that often, my fingers can't keep up with my train of thought.  Again, thank you for reading.  BTW, i love questions.  Feel free to ask them, there is very little i am ashamed of anymore.

And for old times sake:

You wonder why I don't talk to you anymore and please believe me when I say it's not that I don't want to, it's just that everything I want to say I can't tell you anymore.

Love

Whats love got to do with it?  Love isn't what bonds us together hun, it's something much more simple than that.  I'm sick but, so are you.  Being drawn to me like moths to a lamp.  You're chicken little baby and my sky is falling.  I know you can't help it and that's why i let you stay.  You want the very worst parts of me, those unspeakable qualities.  Tell me you love me again.  I love the way it sounds. We both know you're lying.  That part doesn't matter though.  Tonight you'll crawl in your bed and think about it.  Think about trying to belittle me, your boy is watching.  Don't forget the bro code but, he doesn't see you're twisted.  He doesn't see that longing look in your eye.  The twinkle of fury you never unleashed on him for playing my game! He knew you loved me, or atleast you believed you did.  He knew i'm sick in that lovely submissive way and he still touched me!  He still tried to fuck me.  Keep whispering you love me under your breath.  The insult lingers longer.  The venom doesn't subside.  Remeber what it was like waking up next to me.  Remember what it was like in those cold early hours when i glanced at you, sleepy yet sober, and you knew you loved me.  Then, pull the dagger out of your back babe cause it's still lodged.  He hasn't let go.  Don't forget it's not love that keeps you coming back to me, it's looking at him and realizing, your BEST friend got farther with the girl of your dreams because he was everything i didn't want in life and you were everything he didn't want me to have.  Sing me that lullaby one more time, 'and shut out what they say, cause your friends are fucked up anyways'.  Love you too baby.

2+2

Life has a really funny way of deciding when it's gonna call your bluff.  You can pretend to be someone you're not but, eventually facades crumble.  Recently i was prodded by a random person of no particular importance in my life and told, 'Wow, even you seem to be unable to avoid the inevitable 'freshman 15' i don't think i've EVER seen you eat french fries with cheese on them.'  My jaw dropped along with my cheese covered french fry and my use of ephedra products and that magic pick me up necessary to make things happen has once again been fueled.
Today i watched my mother groan as she noticed the bottles had once again reappeared next to my food scale and truvia (i've somehow overtaken a corner of countertop space with my excessive and frequent use of items my family finds strange). She was clearly upset that all her effort had washed away that quickly by a comment an ignorant accomplice made.
However, the accomplice was right.  I had been feeling softer, my bones feeling as if they were diminishing.  I had even gained 2 pounds the past few weeks bringing my massive weight up to 108 pounds.  For the rationally minded and those who calculate bmi's i'm 5'7 and it's 16.9, my bmi.