Today I have eaten:
2 Graham crackers- 130 calories
4 tbsp fat free cappachino mix- 140 calories
1/4 cup potatoes- 115.5 Calories
2 Chocolate Chip Cookies- 360 Calories
Total: about 746 calories
I haven't done one of these in awhile and wanted to write it down while I remembered and to distract myself from from my growing anxiety to just purge. I promised myself I'd donate blood next wednesday and since my body chemistry is so out of whack from my erratic eating, lack of, and purging, I promised myself in order to guarantee that i'd be able to donate I would refrain from purging until next wednesday night (did i mention i'm terrified of needles entering my veins). I'm not sure why I have so much anxiety about not purging. As i've mentioned before, I am a restrictor, not bulimic. For awhile I had stopped purging all together and one day after drinking a milkshake (that being the only thing i'd had that day) and realizing it alone was 1000+ calories purging re-entered my life. I haven't had over 1000 calories a day since then.
My skin is crawling, I just want to feel stomach acid lick the back of my throat. Tears are streaming down my cheeks now because I need to keep my food down. Just for a week so I can help save a life. It's interesting to think about how much I want to save others but everyday I'm killing myself a little more. Drugs, food, purging, hanging with the wrong crowd, self-destruction. There is just so much. My stomach is on fire, I'm exhausted and sore. My nightly exercising rituals paired with lack of sleep, purging, restricting, and the exercise i let people see me do is suffocating. This week alone i've been asked several times about the teeth marks on my knuckles. "What happened?" they ask. I'm a brawler i say. I'm working on my anger issues. It's not true of course. I take my anger out on myself. I discipline me to save others. Hopefully they'll heal some in the week i'm going to restrain from purging. Their painful to touch or tap anything with ALL the time. Sometimes it's necessary to do painful things to oneself to save others.
My body is always sore, like I just ran 50 miles through sand. All I want anymore is happiness and self acceptance. I'm tired of staying up till 2:30 every night doing sit ups and jumping jacks to burn more calories until I can fall asleep then waking up at 5 to get ready for school. I constantly justify my lack of sleep by saying it's a punishment for being so fat. It's a punishment for putting on yet another 2 pounds, securing my place in the 20's for a bit. Soon enough my anxiety should lessen ( for about 3 days) then i'll be an adult. I'll officially be responsible for myself but, thats in due time.
I'll finally be able to stop fucking eating entirely. No more family meals for me :] There's always hope for tomorrow that I may die and no longer have to suffer. No longer have to try to be someone. Anyways, this was a sort of last minute ramble to keep me inside my head and not lose focus for the rest of the evening. It's nice to see I have followers and people interested in my thoughts. I promise the next post will be better.
If you're still reading and haven't already heard this ENTIRE song check it out- Secret by The Pierces. It's pretty sick and weird but for some reason I'm in love. Oh yea, also check out one of my top 10 of all time songs called Slow Motion by Third Eye Blind. Leave comments so I can interact and get to know you guys and what type of music you like.
Enjoy:
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us most. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in all of us. And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.
~MaryAnne Williamson
I won't be able to do a daily post or what i've eaten until November due to a busy schedule
This week is spirit week at my school. It so far has been nothing compared to the euphoria in my last post. For the past two days I have borrowed clothes from people and had them stare at me and remark on how small i look. It hurts every single time. Normally I would have been having a happy fit inside but, I knew I've gained weight. I'm up 3 pounds since my last reported weight shoving me back into the 20's. Stress is killing me and on top of everything I got my period. The only reason I think people suddenly couldn't stop talking about my size was because I was wearing one of my friend's shirts. It hung loosely and the bones in my chest decided to be super visible today. He said he felt obese now and wouldn't stop pinching my fatty areas.
Today, it like full on hit me that people don't actually want others to succeed. Part of them wants to see others doing bad so they can feel good about themselves. Of course i've noticed it before but, even as i was getting pinched and picked on and i felt myself growing fatter in everyone's eyes, I loved their envy. I loved that they hated me for being smaller and I felt superior. That is so incredibly mean and bitchy of me to say but, these are my thoughts and the only reason i'm admitting to them is to prove a point--even though it hurt knowing i'd gained and being scrutinized, my peers were threatened by me.
On another note, I'm a liar and feel incredibly guilty. No, I don't mean I lie here because well, there really is no need. What I am lying about is how long i've been sober. The people closest to me believe next month will be my one year of sobriety. Unfortunately, I have probably been sober for 2 days now and I know by the end of tomorrow i won't be able to say 3. It's sad to have to lie but, it's necessary. When i first tried to quit I had been doing drugs daily for 7 months after relapsing. I had been 8 months clean, the longest period of time since I became an addict. My friends plan on throwing a party for me to celebrate 1 year. I feel so undeserving.... Just another reason why I don't deserve food or love..
I think i'm gonna start closing my posts with a picture/quote of what beauty really means.
I have been eating to sporadically and picky i can't even recall exactly what i've eaten the past day.
[Warning: this is about purging]
It isn't much of a secret at my house that I purge after i eat daily. Today however, I had eaten but it was considerably less that i normally eat literally, a bite of fat free cottage cheese, a sip of black coffee type day. So, i had no intention what so ever to purge. Suddenly at such a random time i NEEDED to purge. It wasn't like i felt nauseous, it was this overwhelming anxiety and finally, when i did it was euphoric. I was giddy and laughing between the gags and wretches. Never, in the 5 or so years of purging have i ever felt so intensely happy about it. Normally, it is a chore for me. I have anorexia, not bulimia but, in situations where i feel i need to, i purge.
Now I am stuck in this incredibly relaxed state, almost like when i take xanax. That feeling right before i pass out but, am incredibly calm. I'm rambling and i can see that but, i have no power to formulate anything more than my real thoughts as they enter my head and escape across the keyboard. I'm entirely drained. I'm sore for some mysterious reason but no longer work out. I'm light headed and for the first time in awhile, i'm sober and feel at peace. My mind is screaming but i'm ignoring that part. For once, i feel....alright...
~Diet coke= 1.3 Calories
~4 oz. steak= 174 Calories
~ 2 tbsp Cappachino mix= 70 Calories
~ 1/8 cup Pasta= about 39 Calories
~6 Brussel Sprouts in unknown amount of butter= about 100 Calories?
Total Calories: about 385.
Talk about a feast, geez. At least i have that comforting sore throat feeling of a meal that tasted as great going down as it did coming back up. Anyways thats not what i wanted to talk about today even though those numbers really bug me, I wanted to talk about relationships. Not my weird one with food but, the ones with people.
Growing up, I never imagined i'd have the 'bff's' i have now. In fact, they are the people I once picked on. I was, and still can be, a very mean girl. I treated good kids like shit to feel empowered and to be cool. Yet, these people i made feel worthless had my back when i wasn't cool anymore. When i was just that strung out girl my 'friends' hung out with cause i was a good time. They didn't actually like me, or anyone for that matter, we were just kids on the road to being addicts and it was probably the road that led me to this cycle of self hatred. It's funny how it's so easy to look back and realize who you were but still be so lost about who you are.
Nobody told me people didn't have to actually mean it when they said i love you. They never told me we'll be together forever didn't mean until the end of time. It's crazy how we can fall head over heels and the next instant, their gone. She/he won't smile at you anymore or tell you cheesy jokes to brighten your day. We pretend to be busy as we pass in the halls but, are both completely aware of the other. I know things about you she'll never know because I love you. Even after it was over I swore we'd get married and you laughed and agreed it was bound to happen. Now you won't reply to my texts. How does it get to that point?
Even food betrays me. It provides false comfort that I don't deserve. It claims if you eat enough you'll be happy (lie) it claims if you avoid it the emptiness will consume every thought and numb the pain (closer to the truth). Something so simple, eat to live, is like reading an alien language. How can it be stated so simply yet be so uncomprehendable?
I guess i'm rambling now and even more lost then when I started. I'll probably do weekly weight loss rather than bmi and current weight. But, if people truly care they can subtract the weight loss on their own. As of this mornings weigh in I was 118 pounds and am 5'6.
~ Diet Coke= 1.3 calories
~1/3 cup Chex mix= 87 calories
~ 4 tbsp Cappachino mix= 140 calories
Daily total- about 229 calories.
The worst part is, i've done better. I've survived on less and i'm not going to lose weight now. Tomorrow the scale will read 15 more pounds then it did this morning, or even this afternoon. Damn fat free cappachino, the sugar free one had less fat, less calories that will pollute my body and make it gorge up. Tomorrow i'll step on the scale and weigh 130 pounds i'll be huge and everyone will laugh at me. They'll know I ate and they'll humiliate me for it.
Welcome to my life. I've dealt with disordered eating and an eating disorder for almost 10 years now. Every day i think of this shit, everyday I think of what i can do to torture myself. After a horrible break down in the middle of class today after some comments made about my weight (my class likes to pick on me that i'm scary skinny) i decided i needed a place to vent and express myself. So, i created a blog. I'll probably post random rants, my daily intake and maybe start keeping track of my weight & bmi but, i guess i'll figure it out as I go.
