Aging

How do you feel about getting old?

I have no intentions of living past the age of 27.
I cry every year on my birthday.
I cannot stand that i am aging.
I don't plan on staying sober much longer.
I am already deteriorating physically and mentally.
I am methodically losing everything.
I have lost family, friends, opportunities, my health, my education, employment because of how i am.
I don't want to be sick anymore.
I just want to be normal.
I want to be happy.
I can't live much longer like this...

"Todo hombre muere - No todo hombre vive realmente."

Update

Yesterday I overdosed on a prescription medication accidently.  It was scary only because i hadn't realized what i'd done till the medicine began to kick in.  For hours my body shook and convulsed.  I was burning up, my chest felt tight, i could feel my heart pounding in my chest and my mouth went dry.  3-4 hours after I initially took the medication I began to puke.  I puked violently until mouthfuls of blood came up.  Shortly after that I felt better.  I was no longer nauseas. My chest was beginning to loosen up and my heart rate started to slow.  The shaking lessened but didn't stop until about 9 hours after i took the medication.

I've OD'd before but, when you knowingly do shit like cocaine, in the back of your mind it's always expected.  It's always a possibility.  I never expected to OD by taking what I thought was nyquil.
I guesss the point of this is I said i'd let you guys know what happened in a more clear and concise way

Be careful, night.

Mistakes

I make mistakes.  I am human.  I am typing this in an effort to fight off the accidental overdose I may have just caused myself.   I have no cognitive thought.  My chest is tight, i;m shaking and i'm getting a major haedache.

As you guys know, i'm working on recovery.  I didn't even use an illegal drug.  I couldn't sleep and have a cough so i went and grabbed what i thought was nyquil.  I don't measure my doses ever.  I just swig from the bottle so i did.  I ended up taking a prescripton cough syrup.  A dose for my size should've been 2 tsp.  I took about 3-4 tbsp.  I'll post tomorrow if i'm ok but i'm having trouble concentrating so i must go.

Night

I feel like dying

Only once the drugs are done, that I feel like dying... I feel like dying
Only once the drugs are done, that I feel like dying... I feel like dying
Only once the drugs are done, that I feel like dying... I feel like dying
(I feel like, I feel like, I feel like...)

Life has a way of just fucking things up, i'm still sober but oh god i wish i wasn't....
They made it easier to pretend life didn't fucking hurt...

Change

I'm currently working on some big changes for the new year.  I'm detoxing which is hell.  It'll be over soon and that is when the real changes start.  I'm going to get clean and stay clean.  I'm going to start going to my NA meetings again as soon as the withdrawal is over and i'm going back to therapy.  I'm dreading therapy.  I'm not ready to work on my eating disorder yet and I plan on making that very clear.

As for eating i've decided to become a vegeterrian.  I never ate meat very often to begin with but, i feel better eliminating it all together.  Maybe after awhile i'll even decide to  take the plunge and go vegan.

Whether one believes in a religion or not, and whether one believes in rebirth or not, there isn't anyone who doesn't appreciate kindness and compassion.
~Dalai Lama