For some reason, despite my views towards myself, i am very vocal on the fact that the entire world doesn't find skinny beautiful and that curvy is becoming the widely thought of body type when considering sexy. The community amongst my school is very tight knit, we hear, feel, and experience so much together and, for the majority, my classmates know of my struggles with my body.
The other day while sitting at a table during lunch, i hear the same girls i've spent all of highschool with complaining about their weights again, one in particualar who i've known for 7 years and is practically family. They chatted about how they would need to skip dinner or workout to make up for a perfectly healthy lunch. In a non-cynical way i said they didn't need to focus on weight so strongly and that i bet there was a life beyond that, that skinny didn't equal sexy and beautiful, that curvy is what is now seen as beautiful in the media. Thinking she was clever, a girl i'm not particualarly fond of flat out asked me, 'Then why are you trying to lose weight?'
I was taken aback by her boldness. People can be cruel about my conditions but, it's usually done with 'cloak and dagger'. I looked at her for a minute and heard the people next to us go quiet waiting for my response. Finally, i said 'I make no concious effort to lose weight. Seeing the weightloss in and of itself is probably the only positive about what i go through. We're not close so you may not know this but i'm actually trying to gain weight and have even managed to put on 8 pounds in 3 months in an effort to avoid my father gaining court appointed custody over me since i am considered a danger to myself and potentially others. My extended family is ashamed of me, i don't get invited to baby showers, weddings, parties at public areas where their friends may question about me and it's questionable what kind of state i'll be in. As soon as i find out my fate i'll probably be right back where i was, working way too hard at my job, school, family, and social life to make up for the fucked up person i am, and in that labor i will pray to find happiness or to die in my sleep. I am an eighteen year old child with intelligence and manners far beyond yours because i have the courtesy and intelligence not to ask people questions that will make me look like the ass. The worst part of that is that i'll probably die before our 10 year highschool reunion and despite these false attempts at being witty or slender you'll more than likely have 4 kids, weigh 250 pounds, and live on welfare.' The table next to me exploded in laughter proclaiming 'roasted'. She just walked away.
This got me thinking though. How many people are just trying to be skinny to fit a preconcieved notion of beautiful set forth by the media? How many are using that as an excuse to hide a deeper reason?
"I learned to love myself, because I sleep with myself every night and I wake up with myself every morning, and if I don’t like myself, there’s no reason to even live the life. I love the way I look. I’m fine with it. And if my body changes, I’ll be fine with that." – Gabourey Sidibe
