Today I have eaten:
2 Graham crackers- 130 calories
4 tbsp fat free cappachino mix- 140 calories
1/4 cup potatoes- 115.5 Calories
2 Chocolate Chip Cookies- 360 Calories
Total: about 746 calories
I haven't done one of these in awhile and wanted to write it down while I remembered and to distract myself from from my growing anxiety to just purge. I promised myself I'd donate blood next wednesday and since my body chemistry is so out of whack from my erratic eating, lack of, and purging, I promised myself in order to guarantee that i'd be able to donate I would refrain from purging until next wednesday night (did i mention i'm terrified of needles entering my veins). I'm not sure why I have so much anxiety about not purging. As i've mentioned before, I am a restrictor, not bulimic. For awhile I had stopped purging all together and one day after drinking a milkshake (that being the only thing i'd had that day) and realizing it alone was 1000+ calories purging re-entered my life. I haven't had over 1000 calories a day since then.
My skin is crawling, I just want to feel stomach acid lick the back of my throat. Tears are streaming down my cheeks now because I need to keep my food down. Just for a week so I can help save a life. It's interesting to think about how much I want to save others but everyday I'm killing myself a little more. Drugs, food, purging, hanging with the wrong crowd, self-destruction. There is just so much. My stomach is on fire, I'm exhausted and sore. My nightly exercising rituals paired with lack of sleep, purging, restricting, and the exercise i let people see me do is suffocating. This week alone i've been asked several times about the teeth marks on my knuckles. "What happened?" they ask. I'm a brawler i say. I'm working on my anger issues. It's not true of course. I take my anger out on myself. I discipline me to save others. Hopefully they'll heal some in the week i'm going to restrain from purging. Their painful to touch or tap anything with ALL the time. Sometimes it's necessary to do painful things to oneself to save others.
~ Tom Krause
I feel anxious when I don't purge, also. I think it's the food sitting inside me that makes me anxious and wanting to get it out of me. It's not actually purging that makes me anxious. Maybe it's the same for you?
ReplyDeleteStay Strong <3