Unremarkably Fake

I won't be able to do a daily post or what i've eaten until November due to a busy schedule


This week is spirit week at my school.  It so far has been nothing compared to the euphoria in my last post.  For the past two days I have borrowed clothes from people and had them stare at me and remark on how small i look.  It hurts every single time.  Normally I would have been having a happy fit inside but, I knew I've gained weight.  I'm up 3 pounds since my last reported weight shoving me back into the 20's.  Stress is killing me and on top of everything I got my period.  The only reason I think people suddenly couldn't stop talking about my size was because I was wearing one of my friend's shirts.  It hung loosely and the bones in my chest decided to be super visible today.  He said he felt obese now and wouldn't stop pinching my fatty areas.


Today, it like full on hit me that people don't actually want others to succeed.  Part of them wants to see others doing bad so they can feel good about themselves.  Of course i've noticed it before but, even as i was getting pinched and picked on and i felt myself growing fatter in everyone's eyes, I loved their envy.  I loved that they hated me for being smaller and I felt superior.  That is so incredibly mean and bitchy of me to say but, these are my thoughts and the only reason i'm admitting to them is to prove a point--even though it hurt knowing i'd gained and being scrutinized, my peers were threatened by me.


On another note, I'm a liar and feel incredibly guilty.  No, I don't mean I lie here because well, there really is no need.  What I am lying about is how long i've been sober.  The people closest to me believe next month will be my one year of sobriety.  Unfortunately, I have probably been sober for 2 days now and I know by the end of tomorrow i won't be able to say 3.  It's sad to have to lie but, it's necessary.  When i first tried to quit I had been doing drugs daily for 7 months after relapsing.  I had been 8 months clean, the longest period of time since I became an addict.  My friends plan on throwing a party for me to celebrate 1 year.  I feel so undeserving.... Just another reason why I don't deserve food or love..

I think i'm gonna start closing my posts with a picture/quote of what beauty really means.