(Potentially Triggering) Euphoria and the Everlasting Hunt for Perfection

I have been eating to sporadically and picky i can't even recall exactly what i've eaten the past day.


[Warning: this is about purging]


It isn't much of a secret at my house that I purge after i eat daily.  Today however, I had eaten but it was considerably less that i normally eat literally, a bite of fat free cottage cheese, a sip of black coffee type day.  So, i had no intention what so ever to purge.  Suddenly at such a random time i NEEDED to purge.  It wasn't like i felt nauseous, it was this overwhelming anxiety and finally, when i did it was euphoric.  I was giddy and laughing between the gags and wretches.  Never, in the 5 or so years of purging have i ever felt so intensely happy about it.  Normally, it is a chore for me.  I have anorexia, not bulimia but, in situations where i feel i need to, i purge.


Now I am stuck in this incredibly relaxed state, almost like when i take xanax.  That feeling right before i pass out but, am incredibly calm.  I'm rambling and i can see that but, i have no power to formulate anything more than my real thoughts as they enter my head and escape across the keyboard.  I'm entirely drained.  I'm sore for some mysterious reason but no longer work out.  I'm light headed and for the first time in awhile, i'm sober and feel at peace.  My mind is screaming but i'm ignoring that part.  For once, i feel....alright...