When did forever start to mean for now?

~Diet coke= 1.3 Calories
~4 oz. steak= 174 Calories
~ 2 tbsp Cappachino mix= 70 Calories
~ 1/8 cup Pasta= about 39 Calories
~6 Brussel Sprouts in unknown amount of butter= about 100 Calories?


Total Calories: about 385.


Talk about a feast, geez.  At least i have that comforting sore throat feeling of a meal that tasted as great going down as it did coming back up.  Anyways thats not what i wanted to talk about today even though those numbers really bug me,  I wanted to talk about relationships.  Not my weird one with food but, the ones with people.


Growing up, I never imagined i'd have the 'bff's' i have now.  In fact, they are the people I once picked on.  I was, and still can be, a very mean girl.  I treated good kids like shit to feel empowered and to be cool.  Yet, these people i made feel worthless had my back when i wasn't cool anymore.  When i was just that strung out girl my 'friends' hung out with cause i was a good time.  They didn't actually like me, or anyone for that matter, we were just kids on the road to being addicts and it was probably the road that led me to this cycle of self hatred.  It's funny how it's so easy to look back and realize who you were but still be so lost about who you are.


Nobody told me people didn't have to actually mean it when they said i love you.  They never told me we'll be together forever didn't mean until the end of time.  It's crazy how we can fall head over heels and the next instant, their gone.  She/he won't smile at you anymore or tell you cheesy jokes to brighten your day.  We pretend to be busy as we pass in the halls but, are both completely aware of the other.  I know things about you she'll never know because I love you.  Even after it was over I swore we'd get married and you laughed and agreed it was bound to happen.  Now you won't reply to my texts.  How does it get to that point?


Even food betrays me.  It provides false comfort that I don't deserve.  It claims if you eat enough you'll be happy (lie) it claims if you avoid it the emptiness will consume every thought and numb the pain (closer to the truth).  Something so simple, eat to live, is like reading an alien language.  How can it be stated so simply yet be so uncomprehendable?


I guess i'm rambling now and even more lost then when I started. I'll probably do weekly weight loss rather than bmi and current weight.  But, if people truly care they can subtract the weight loss on their own.  As of this mornings weigh in I was 118 pounds and am 5'6.