Change

I'm currently working on some big changes for the new year.  I'm detoxing which is hell.  It'll be over soon and that is when the real changes start.  I'm going to get clean and stay clean.  I'm going to start going to my NA meetings again as soon as the withdrawal is over and i'm going back to therapy.  I'm dreading therapy.  I'm not ready to work on my eating disorder yet and I plan on making that very clear.

As for eating i've decided to become a vegeterrian.  I never ate meat very often to begin with but, i feel better eliminating it all together.  Maybe after awhile i'll even decide to  take the plunge and go vegan.

Whether one believes in a religion or not, and whether one believes in rebirth or not, there isn't anyone who doesn't appreciate kindness and compassion.
~Dalai Lama

Last night

Last night I posted this on PT:

Tonight I was in a nasty car crash.  Nobody was seriously hurt but, it seriously made me want to do cocaine while at the accident site.  I've never dealt with my serious problems sober nd i hadn't planned to tonight but, my mom stayed with me the entire time and so did my new guy, the passenger in my car.  They held my hands and hugged me as i shook.  When i finally got home I flushed the rest of my stash.  I'm still shaking but, this was the final push to sobriety i needed.  I know this is intended to be an ED recovery section but, i felt the need to share and recovery in any form is always an option.  I'm still shaking so i'm probably rambling...

It's the morning after now and life seems scrambled.  I still want to become sober, I really do but, i'm scared.  I have my first NA meeting in over a year tonight.  I am so scared.  Last night was probably one of the most terrifying things in my life and i've been through some scary shit.

~ All great deeds and all great thoughts have a ridiculous beginning.

~ Albert Camus

Revival

What i've eaten in almost 5 days:

1 1/2 slices of Little Ceasars Pizza =~375

4 Diet Cokes=~6

6 cups sugar-free cappachino=150

1 cup broth=5

1 med fat free McDonalds hot chocolate= 310

4 tbsp salsa- 20

5 crackers- 80

Total for almost a week: ~945 Calories


Looking at that it seems like so much until I remember thats for nealry 5 days.  Experts say anything less than 1200 calories or so is technically starving.  Wonder what they'd say about 189/day....


This has been a week from hell and i'm just happy it's beginning to turn around.   I got a flat tire on my car to start the week out.  Then I came down with tonsilitis which made my body ache.  I decided to be a bitch to a guy I'm interested in and my mom decided now would be the time to wage war on my eating habits.  Oh it doesn't end yet, I got rejected from the only school i wanted to go to for college, i've been hit in the face, tripped, and fallen on and finally i missed my exam for one of the college classes i take.

Thankfully it's turning around.  I hope.

Torture

Lately i've been very sick, my body aches, i'm having trouble breathing, sleeping, and moving.  My throat is very tender which makes drinking difficult and eating impossible.  My head is pounding, i can't think....I haven't been in this much physical pain in awhile. I just wanted to give a quick update...sitting upright makes it feel like they're being corsetted in....

Birthday Blues

So my birthday was an absolute nightmare.  Apparently I became the biggest bitch and a bad friend in the 3 days i've been legal.  Kinda sucks but, fuck 'em.  I'm so over having people run to me bitching about their lives and going behind my back to my BEST FRIENDS and saying i'm a slut and a cunt and a hypocrite.  First of all, I didn't ask these people to be my friends and i really didn't have to spend my weekends with you telling you that she was a great girl who actually liked you when we all knew she was just bored.  I spent tons of time telling you you werent fat and you could get any girl you want well guess what you whale?  I lied.  Suck in your stomach some more nobody can tell, bull shit!  I've never been called a bad friend in my entire life until i became an adult.  I've fought people for my friends, i've given up sleep, drugs, smoking, and sex to be there for them when they needed me.  Well it doesn't matter, all bets are off Kiddo.  There's a reason we don't talk to you anymore and trust me it's no us you fucking two-faced cunt.  Run to my girl again, have her kiss your ass, she's not loyal to you anyways don't worry, when she doesn't need you anymore she'll be begging me to talk to her again.

On another note, to get my mind off my recent slip into bitch mode i've been high as much as i can.  Coke, cough syrup, oxycodone, xanax and now i'm broke and my addiction is hungry.  Guess i'll cook up an old fashion nutmeg high.  Hopefully it'll knock me out since i haven't been sleeping.  Apparently hunger, sleep deprivation and thar cracked out dirty look make me hot.  I've had my ass grabbed and people trying to hook up like crazy.  As i've always said, everyone loves the party girl when it's time to get down.  Nobody gives a fuck about her when she's starving to death, being stalked, getting death threats, and can no longer stand to look at herself in the mirror.  Maybe I should've never relapsed? Sobriety is so boring, so mundane.  I only realized one thing the month or so i'd been sober, you're left with nothing.  I mean when you're an addict someone is always ready to be with you, someone is always ready to hang out with the fucked up girl.  It's extremely lonely but, i still haven't decided whats worse losing everyone who ever mattered for a substance you pretend loves you and kids only looking for a good time or being trapped with yourself knowing you've lost everyone and everything and are scared to bother to try to get them back?

Nothings new with my eating disorder for those who read for that.  i'm at 121 and i'm on my period.  I fast for 24 hrs and at the same time everyday i binge for a bit then purge then start my fast again, it happens every day now.  i'm hoping to be back under 120 by the end of my period but who knows anymore? Maybe if i get lucky i'll accidentally OD.

Beautful eh?

Fuck it i'll give you two pics:

Age does not diminish the extreme disappointment of having a scoop of ice cream fall from the cone.  ~Jim Fiebig

Anomaly

Today I've had:

~ 2 diet cokes

~ A biscuit

~ monster energy shot

It's too late at night for me to add up and search for calorie contents.  I'm bone tired as usual but, felt the need to post.  It's been awhile.... Searching for jobs and dilling out college applications is killling me.  I've been living on energy drinks because my neighborhoods been being robbed alot lately and my paranoia's on over drive.  The only way i've managed to sleep is when i've worked out to the point of collapsing and can't pick myself up.

Oh! skins is my new favorite show.  I'm in the US and i can't get enough of the british version.  Another update the love of my life got a new gf which is probably more heart breaking than i can handle.  On a final note my birthday is in a few days and i hope to post more.  I'm really trying even though i always say that.

Breaking boundaries

It's been some time since my last post and I guess I should start by admitting I wasn't allowed to give blood.  The worst part is it was because I had a slight fever. That crushed my hopes.  Previously i also posted about some issues preventing me from doing daily food intake posts and until next week i won't be able to start doing them again do to family problems.

Now for the interesting news...I recently had my height measured and I am actually 5'7 putting me a whole inch and a half taller. I also now weigh 124 pounds due to my period.  I also got a new laptop since my desk top crashed.

Tonight though I wanted to taalk about what is considered as someone taking things too far.  Is it molestation if someone touches you intimately if you don't want them to?  Is it going too far if they rub your inner thigh without consent?  When do things go from being flirty to being wrong? It seems i've lost all sense of that. Tomorrow is the day my friends think will mark my one year of sobriety, as i've admitted it's not.  I'll try to post tomorrow with a more coherrant post.... My thoughts are clearly scrambled.