Hang in there

It's been a long time since i've made a post or contacted nearly anyone who was with me daily through my illnesses.  As said in my last post, I went off the deep end once I was forced to get my tube.  I'm still not quite strong enough, mentally or physically to really discuss at length what exactly has happened the last five months but, i assure everyone, one day i will.

Today i wanted to talk about rights.  Primarily gay rights.  There is a lot I don't understand about their connection with religion.  I am not an extremely religious person however, I am anything but ignorant when it comes to most things I talk about.  I am a self condemned sinner which i display through the rosary permanently inked on my foot and ankle.  I am a permently condemed sinner (Those of you who know a lot about the Catholic religion will understand that connection).  The reason I am not religous is not because i don't believe in a here after or higher being or whatever, in that respect I am agnostic.  I don't understand the connection with gay bashing and religon is mostly because of the ignorant people who spout it.  When the Westboro baptist Church shares your opinion, I feel your opinion must be half baked.  I say this, not because I feel that overly religous people shouldn't be allowed to not agree with gay rights.  I say this because anyone with rational thought has better reasoning than these people.

Maybe it's because I know how horrifing the unknown can be or maybe it's because i'm not quite right in the head but, I don't feel the solution to achieving  gay rights equality is by arguing with the extremely religous,  I feel this does nothing more than help stur the pot for the evil and ignorant such as the afore mentioned church.  I believe in order to have equality, it is time to actually listen to the indifferent.  There are so many who don't give a fuck who you love.  In a world where most are constantly letting everyone know what they are doing every second of the day, it must feel strange to confront the fact that most people are indifferent to who you date/marry.  People are going to pervert the bible in order to hate.  It is going to happen.  In the common colliquial of my friend 'Haters gon' Hate' so, why bother with them?  It's irritating, I know.  My girlfriend and I fight it every day.  It makes you really want to say something but we can't go around punching everyone with a twisted lesbian threesome fantasy or pessimistic asshole who pays way to much attention to us holding hands or kissing.

I guess there really is no point to this post, just a way of throwing my thoughts out.  If there was a moral lesson it'd be:     Spark the debate with the indifferent, the majority.  Not the decided who have suddenly gone deaf to reason or opinion.  Maybe then growth will occur.

Resolutions

Most people make resolutions with the coming of the new year.  To be faster, stronger, smarter, thinner, even cleaner.  I too have made a New Year's Resolution, one I hadn't seen coming until a recent anxiety attack shook me so hard i sat in my closet clutching my stomach for hours.  I've been given a tube.  One i'm not even trusted enough to control what goes in it.  So, this year i've resolved to find a reason to want to live.  I just need one.  I search and search to find meaning, a reason to continue along this path and find none.  I've decided to make one last attempt at life.  I can't keep existing in this sick parallel where all i do is fantasize about ripping my tube out and bleeding to death on the floor.  Hopefully, i can get out of this grave i've dug for myself.  Escape this prison i've built.  I just want a reason to live and with that, hopefully i can begin to fi the shattered and broken remains of myself.

Advice

As a rule of thumb, i typically don't ask for the advice of others.  I live my life with the sole intentions of being the only person i can blame for my actions.  Therefore, unsolicited advice is very often unwelcome.  Tonight, one of my girlfriends friends added me on facebook.  He is a piercer and has done a couple of my piercings. We all joke about how good looking he is (although he is relatively unattractive) because the first time i met him i was getting a tattoo and couldn't stop focusing on the spot he was sitting. He texted me out of the blue for the first time, even though i didn't think he had my number, i asked about getting another piercing and i didn't want someone i hadn't stared down to do it.  He made some comment about how i enjoy staring at him and i replied with this awful phrase 'of course, i only let good looking people put holes in me'.  He flipped shit and told me not to hit on him because my girlfriend wouldn't like it.  I made a joke.  I wasn't hitting on him.  I am very much in love with my girlfriend and she was reading my texts! I don't hide anything from her.  The balls of some fucker to assume i was and then scold me for allegedly hitting on me. 

Clearly when he met me, my emaciated, drugged out image didn't convince him i don't take advice very well.  The nerve of some fuckers.

Just keep spinning

It's that time of year again, my birthday is close by and as a special treat to me and a big fuck you to everyone in my life, i bought myself an elliptical.  I have retreated further into myself than i could ever imagine i'd be.  I no longer leave my room unless i have to for work or school.  I no longer eat solid foods which, as a vegetarian severely limits my diet.  I have eliminated caffiene, carbohydrates, and inorganic foods.  My days are so predictable you can almost follow them like clockwork, get up before the sun, cigarette(s), do a line, use my elliptical, cigarettes(s), shower, cigarette(s), school, cigarette(s), black decaf coffee break, home, elliptical, cigarette(s), do a line, yoga, cigarette(s), feed my puppy, take him for a walk, cigarette(s), black decaf coffee break, play with my puppy, shower, cigarette(s), 15 minute nap, do a line, cigarette(s), work, cigarette(s), girlfriend time, home, elliptical, cigarette(s), shower and finally by 2 a.m. i can lay down and try to sleep.  Try is the key word.  My schedule looks so boring typed up like this, so....not who i was.  The girl i used to be.  Even the party girl i once was looks at this schedule and says, 'chick, i think you need help.'  I've dwindled below a hundred pounds. Not much but, I have.  I don't know how much i'll continue to post.  My health is horrendous right now and i am fighting with everything i have left not to be hospitalized.  I'm facing eviction and being fired because of my diseases and all I can think when I look in the mirror is i shouldn't have had that coffee today.

Ryan, remember when you told me i just wanted attention?  That there was nothing wrong with me?  I still believe you but everyone else i meet and know either wants my body, my disorders (they clearly don't have good eyesight), or avert their eyes because theres nothing they can do to help me.  Mind explaining to them i don't have a problem next time you stop by to make sure i'm still alive since i no longer answer your calls or texts.

Another Mistake

I am a bad friend.
A liar, slut, bitch, annoyance, fat, OBESE, crack head, a lesbian, bisexual, experimenter, dirty, insane, and most of all, a failure.
I don't know how much longer i can take fighting to be perfect all the fucking time and never making progress.  Every single time i forget who I am, society decides to classify me.  I MUST be all those things because I MUST have a title.  There must be a way to catagorize me amongst the masses.

Individuality is dead.  We all fight to be the exact same fucking person.  The girl or guy who has it all.  We all envy the head bitch whose out 'living their life to the fullest' but, in reality the head bitch is looking at someone else with green eyes.  'Be yourself, thats all you can be' those fucked up self help books preach.  What happens when you hate the person in the mirror?  The person whispering softly in your head that you're nothing, just another generic crying to be the head bitch?  Not just a head bitch, THE fucking head bitch.  My girlfriend can't stand the woman in the mirror and that kills me, i envied the apparent love she had for her body, i craved to be so free.  Meanwhile, she's out running everyday trying to achieve my starved, ravaged look.  I am no longer sober.  I am a cocaine addict, an anorexic, and a disappointment.  I am no longer the little girl mommy was so proud of and daddy wanted nothing to do with.  Tables have turned and sides have flipped.

One day I will be free. Free of the confines this cage has reduced me to.  This rib cage, the metaphorical bird cage trapping my soul within my caving chest.  locking out all forms of substinance until the fucking iron door can be ripped from the hinges.  I no longer feel i can't be saved from my diseases.  I no longer feel i am beyond recovery.  I have come to terms that i am not hopeless, i just don't have hope or ambition.  I'll die with my labels.

“Above all, be true to yourself, and if you cannot put your heart in it, take yourself out of it.”

@cryotaneko

That particular post is about a guy i used to be infatuated with.  I guess most of it can be seen as relating to my battle with anorexia but, that wasn't it's intentions.
His best friend would go behind his back and flirt with me, he tried to fuck me, and would pretend to care about what i'm going through.  I am drawn to people that i know don't give a damn about me.  Mostly because it makes it okay in my mind for me to not care about me.  It reestablishes that I am not worth genuine affection.  The guy i was infattuated with tried very hard to show me he actually cared.  That he truly loved me for me.  I of course pushed him away and would always mess with his best friend, almost to throw it in his face, showing him that i was just a dirty coke addict who didn't deserve his love.  Thank you for reading.  I hope to stay sober for a bit longer,  there's is a new female in my life who I am honestly happy with and i'm hoping she's everything i've needed all this time to hold myself together.  Unlike every past lover i've had, she's not trying to play games with me and that's all i've ever wanted.

I appreciate that readers like my writing style.  It means alot to me and encourages me to continue to write more,  I have so much to say and my brain moves so fast that often, my fingers can't keep up with my train of thought.  Again, thank you for reading.  BTW, i love questions.  Feel free to ask them, there is very little i am ashamed of anymore.

And for old times sake:

You wonder why I don't talk to you anymore and please believe me when I say it's not that I don't want to, it's just that everything I want to say I can't tell you anymore.

Love

Whats love got to do with it?  Love isn't what bonds us together hun, it's something much more simple than that.  I'm sick but, so are you.  Being drawn to me like moths to a lamp.  You're chicken little baby and my sky is falling.  I know you can't help it and that's why i let you stay.  You want the very worst parts of me, those unspeakable qualities.  Tell me you love me again.  I love the way it sounds. We both know you're lying.  That part doesn't matter though.  Tonight you'll crawl in your bed and think about it.  Think about trying to belittle me, your boy is watching.  Don't forget the bro code but, he doesn't see you're twisted.  He doesn't see that longing look in your eye.  The twinkle of fury you never unleashed on him for playing my game! He knew you loved me, or atleast you believed you did.  He knew i'm sick in that lovely submissive way and he still touched me!  He still tried to fuck me.  Keep whispering you love me under your breath.  The insult lingers longer.  The venom doesn't subside.  Remeber what it was like waking up next to me.  Remember what it was like in those cold early hours when i glanced at you, sleepy yet sober, and you knew you loved me.  Then, pull the dagger out of your back babe cause it's still lodged.  He hasn't let go.  Don't forget it's not love that keeps you coming back to me, it's looking at him and realizing, your BEST friend got farther with the girl of your dreams because he was everything i didn't want in life and you were everything he didn't want me to have.  Sing me that lullaby one more time, 'and shut out what they say, cause your friends are fucked up anyways'.  Love you too baby.